relationship and marriage

Sometime ago, I was opportuned to converse with a married couple of about 7 years who were on the verge of divorce. I was so concerned and did not want them to go their separate ways. I asked them what was going on and why they wanted to go for a divorce. The man first spoke up and told me that before the wedding, they were so caught up in each other, they loved each other so much but 4 years into the marriage, it seemed as if everything just changed. According to him, he didn’t feel the emotional tingles or excitement anymore, he did his best to show love to his wife by saying sweet words to her but she kept on complaining. Then I asked the woman to tell me her side of the story. She said that he knows she has lots of work to do at her work place and home but he wasn’t helping out at all especially now that they have a child. She said she didn’t feel she loved him anymore. I thought to myself “how can I be of help to this couple?” then I remembered something a wise man taught me.

Love is beyond feelings; it is commitment, it is a choice. You have to be willing to stay committed to this one person that you’ve chosen. Excitement does not last but commitment does. Some couples enter into marriage in the euphoria of the “in love” experience. During this stage you make little or no efforts. Everything you see in your partner is perfect, no flaws, no annoying attitude but after you come down from the emotional roller coaster of this “in love” feeling, you begin to notice their flaws, those irritating habits and so on. It’s your responsibility to make conscious efforts to keep your marriage. Some unfortunately cannot get through because they never had the right information. Probably, they felt that this “in love” feeling would last forever but unfortunately it doesn’t so they end up opting for a divorce. You have to be willing to work things through and learn your partner’s love language; it’s one secret to love that lasts. Gary Chapman once said “we must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love”. If we look at the story above, we see that the man tried to show love to his wife probably in the way he knew best and the woman complained that he wasn’t helping at home. Now, saying I love you or affirming words to your spouse is speaking love but that might not be their primary love language. For instance in Nigeria we have diverse languages. A Yoruba man cannot understand what an igbo man is speaking except he learns igbo language but when you speak yoruba to him, he understands clearly. So it is with love; you have to learn to speak your partner’s love language. According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages however, there might be numerous dialects. But before I take you on the 5 love languages, you need to understand this: for instance, if a water tank is empty, there is no way it can supply water to a house. So it is with the emotional tank inside every human. It needs to be filled with love and for it to be filled with love, you have to learn your partner’s definition of love, what they interpret as love, what you can do to make them feel loved.

The 5 love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch. Two spouses might not have the same primary love language. One spouse might feel loved when you affirm him by encouraging him or saying words like I love you, I’m proud of you, you’re the best, I believe you can do it, I trust in your abilities and I know you cannot fail and so on. The other spouse might not feel loved if you affirm her. Her own way of interpreting love might be you helping her around with the chores without her asking or you touching and caressing her and so on. Now, we see that these two individuals have different ways of interpreting love. They have that one primary love language that you can speak to them and instantly they feel loved. Learn your partner’s love language and speak it to him or her. That love language might be totally different from yours but because in marriage we look out for each others interest, you’ll have to learn. It is the language that they understand and by doing it consciously and everyday, you are filling their emotional tank. Some spouses have more than one love language but there’s only one primary others are secondary.

So today, ask your partner what’s his or her love language, ask them what you can do that’ll make them feel loved. When you’ve gotten your answer, act on it and do not relent because it’ll surely produce results. Consistency yields result. I recommend to you a book titled “5 love languages, a secret to love that lasts” by Gary Chapman. Read it, understand it and act on it. God bless you

Your relationship and marriage coach,

Chiamaka Opara